“Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life.” Herbert Otto
Here are 3 Steps in the process of personal development.
I. The first step of personal development begins with self awareness. Specificly, it begins with greater self awareness of our dark side. We all have one.
When I was on vacation, I started my second book by Charles Cumming and I was surprised & delighted that Alec Milius was the central character yet again. One of the main ways I exact pleasure from reading is to fall in love with the characters’ strengths & weaknesses over time. I believe that’s why the poorly written novels about Lisbeth Salander (The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo) have captured the global imagination. She is one of the finest three-dimensional characters in print or film.
This is also one reason I’m lucky, because it’s easy to care about the whole personality of the people I work with. I’m a part of someone’s innermost struggles that very few people get to see. I have first hand knowledge of their strengths & weaknesses as they improve their personal development.
Personal development means knowing & caring about yourself, others or even characters in novels by accepting the dark side of who we & they are. Alec (in Cummings book) is competitive & he is glad when he sees his only friend Saul deeply troubled & realizes “I am not the only one of us in decline.” Lisbeth (in Dragon) is so profoundly angry, withdrawn & silent it is impossible to truly know her.
So the beginning of personal development is to understand & become self-aware about your own dark side. In my introduction to new clients I model this when I share that one mistake therapists can make is to be either too hand holding or too challenging. I reveal most of my mistakes will be on the challenging side.
Asking people (or yourself) to be more aware of their dark side can be a tricky business. I’m fond of the three dimensionality of being human, we never stop making mistakes. Personal development means greater self-awareness. Then you are able to reduce the spillage onto others, every decade.
So personal development requires owning your dark side. It’s tricky because you have to keep one foot in the familiar comfort of “I’m a good person.” and the other foot in the unfamiliar, honest discomfort of clarity about your problems. Especially in a culture where we love to be critical of others, rather than ourselves.
It’s uncomfortable to take ownership of “I’m also a jerk sometimes.” It’s crucial to change & personal development to recognize how you are a jerk. Be specific with yourself (no vague generalizations) you are narcissistic, emotionally manipulative or _Fill__in___the___blank__.
I really like people because I understand we carry both sides of who we are to the grave, that’s authentic. It’s a question of reining it in to either stop hurting yourself (exaggerated guilt, codependency, or unmanaged stress) or others ( the aforementioned narcissistic etc). Awareness means recognizing hard things about yourself & only then it can happen less often.
Ultimately all relationships require accepting the other person’s dark side. (It’s why babies are so darn cute before they evolve into being teenagers).
Only fearless honesty about your own dark side can be the self help that replaces therapy. It’s a powerful part of personal development to own up to the pinch of pain when you recognize something ugly about yourself. Couples work is fascinating because each partner can help the other learn about themselves (if there’s not too much hatred piled up).
Understanding ourselves, relationships, film (The Dark Knight), books and our own lives, becomes richer when appreciating both the yin & yang. So decide for your own well-being & personal development: I’m not going to be so vain, masochistic, unfair, indulged, neglectful, frantic or a roller coaster of emotions etc. etc…
II. The second step of personal development is the choice to be less vain, masochistic or unfair etc. The choice is to make a serious effort to interrupt the behavior. You have to decide to take action & do something different.
These are examples of personal development:
If you are unfair by not listening to your partner, learn to put your finger over your lips to make sure you get better at it.
If you’re masochistic decide to learn something about using boundaries to be more self protective.
If you’re vain decide to stop spending money on your body & find opportunities to volunteer.
If you’re emotionally manipulative, ask yourself what you want and try to be direct, then cope with rejection if that occurs.
Imagine what the opposite polarity is of your dark side as a way to explore the less developed side of you. In therapy & personal development, we look for what’s missing so there is greater range to who you are. Experiment with some new ideas for your life.
The more range you have & the more whole you are; the more satisfying life will be. It is being able to make choices from the full range of who you are that makes you mentally healthy. Instead of a giant pile of unaware, knee jerk bad habits.
There are times where it is smart to chose to be masochistic because a very ill child demands the ultimate sacrifice of self.
III. Being choiceful is the third step in the process of personal development. If you practice making new choices, you will get better at it over time. You will become more of who you want to be.
Embrace both the awkwardness & new risks that are a part of personal development in practicing new choices.
Book:
Red Azalea by Anchee Min
The true story of the author who struggled profoundly growing up in communist China. The opportunity to hear her speak is an unforgetable experience. She authenticly has learned how to make unbearable pain bearable. One of the ironies of her life is that she grew up with the dream of becoming a soldier who would go to Vietnam to kill American soldiers and now she is married to a Vietnam vet.
Movies for Personal Development & Self Help:
http://therapyideas.net/personal-growth.htm
